The Edge of Freedom

Craving the Life I Left Behind

Dearest readers.

There’s a truth I don’t often say out loud.

Although, I am finding it easier lately.

As some of you know I have been working with Non-attachment.

I have been really delving deeper into my subconscious, my shadow, journeying in my mind , setting intention and allowing things to reveal themselves in everyday life.

It’s been enlightening and I have felt attachment to things I never realised I still held.

Again as some of you know, before this life you see me living now.

The one here in the Peak District, the one with warmth, safety.

The Reiki Master, the Herbalist The Nan, the Matriarch of a big family, the familiar known as Arthur, the circle holder.

Well the truth is in what feels like a differwnt life, I lived on the edges.

I was homeless on the streets of London.

I was trapped in addiction.

I was surviving moment to moment, often not knowing where I would sleep, what I would eat, or how I would make it through the day or nights.

And yet sometimes, I miss it. Weird right?

I realised I still had an attachment to this time, during my recent Shamanic quest over 2 months.

With a beautiful group of people.

This attachment was in my body, and my mind.

Not to the pain.

Not to the loneliness .

Not the cold nights or the fear that crept in when everything went quiet in the city.

When you dare not sleep. It was always safer to sleep in the day.

But, I sometimes miss the “aliveness”. The unpredictability.

You see, when you live like that, on the edge, everything is immediate.

Raw.

Now.

You are not planning next week, or worrying about how you’ll be perceived, or trying to hold everything together. Paying the bills etc.

You are simply in it.

Fully.

Completely.

The present moment isn’t something you strive for, it’s all you have.

There’s a strange kind of freedom and beauty in that.

With all the busyness of this world, and constant onslaught of everything around us.

We all seek to be present, to be in the moment. To have 5 minutes peace. And to ‘be here now.’

These realizations of shadow attachments reminded me of podcast called City of the Rails by Danelle Morton.

Danelle’s daughter ran away from home to live on the trains.

The podcast follows stories of people Danelle met while searching for her daughter.

People living transient lives, riding trains, choosing, or falling into, a life outside of structure.

And what struck me wasn’t just the hardship, but the pull.

The reason people return, again and again, even when they know how hard it is.

There is community and connection in being an ‘outcast’.

Living that life strips everything back.

No masks.

No long-term illusions.

Just the next step, the next breath, the next moment.

I met many people on the streets of London, who chose that life, opting out of the entanglement of society.

Personally, this wasn’t a choice.

I was homeless through no fault of my own.

For years I didn’t talk about it.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

And during my recent Shamanic work, I realised that I still have attachment to being an ‘outcast”.

When you’ve lived that way, “normal life” can feel really heavy.

There are expectations. Responsibilities. Layers of identity to maintain.

Sometimes, the nervous system remembers the chaos as freedom.

It remembers the intensity as ‘feeling alive’.

And cravings can still come, not just for substances, cigarettes and alcohol but for that edge.

That immediacy.

That sense of being untethered.

The wildness and unpredictability.

This doesn’t mean I want to go back. Of course I don’t and I have really put a lot of work in to be who I am today.

It wasn’t easy at times.

But it does mean that I honour that part of me, I am proud of me.

The Jan that learned how to survive.

The Jan that found beauty in broken places.

The Jan that lived so fiercely in the present moment that nothing else existed.

Now, I walk a different path.

One where I consciously return to the present.

To find the still place in my mind and heart.

Here I am now, safe.

And every morning I wake up, I am so grateful for my life.

Yet presence in a “safe” life can require a lot of practice!

It can be hard to not be distracted.

Difficult to find the time to sit and allow ourselves to feel what’s alive for us.

To stay with ourselves even when it’s uncomfortable.

It doesn’t come with the same adrenaline or urgency of being homeless.

Or waiting to score another hit.

But, it does hold something deeper.

A quieter kind of freedom.

The freedom to be here, in this moment, without running.

To choose stillness instead of chaos.

To choose awareness instead of escape.

To choose life, not just survival.

And maybe that’s the real journey.

Because the present moment is always here.

Even now. And in that place, when and if, we are willing to meet it, there is a freedom that doesn’t cost us anything.

Its a funny old life, as my old Dad would say.

And as Shrek says:

“Ogres are like onions , because they both have layers”

And this is true of us Humans too.

If you would like to work with me, you can rest assured, there will be no judgement, simply a place to be heard and seen.

Then together we can build you back up.

Please look at my services page, for 1 2 1 sessions or drop me an email.

And my events page for group gatherings

Brightest Blessings

And much love as always

Jan